How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce in Illinois: Age‑Appropriate Scripts and Guidance

Telling your children about divorce can feel harder than making the divorce decision itself. Many Illinois parents worry, “What if I say the wrong thing and hurt my child?” or “How much do they really need to know?” Handled well, these conversations can actually protect your children. Handled poorly, they can increase anxiety, confusion, and long‑term conflict. The key is to have age‑appropriate divorce conversations—meeting your child where they are developmentally, emotionally, and practically. Below is a comprehensive, Illinois‑focused guide to what to say (and what to avoid) with kids of different ages, plus practical scripts you can adapt for your family. --- Core Principles for Talking to Kids About Divorce Before breaking things down by age, some principles apply to almost every child: 1. Tell the truth, but only the child‑sized truth Children deserve honest, simple information. They do not need adult details about affairs, finances, or court battles. Share the basic facts: there will be two homes, the adults couldn’t solve their problems, and it’s not the child’s fault. 2. Reassure them it’s not their fault Kids almost universally assume they caused the divorce (“If I had behaved better…”). Say clearly and repeatedly: “This is a grown‑up problem. You did nothing to cause it, and there is nothing you could have done to stop it.” 3. Make it about the adults’ relationship—not your child Emphasize: “We are changing our relationship with each other, but we are not changing our relationship with you. We will always be your parents.” 4. Avoid blaming or bad‑mouthing Illinois courts focus strongly on the child’s best interests. Openly attacking the other parent—especially in front of the child—can harm your child emotionally and may even affect how the court views your ability to co‑parent. 5. Give concrete information about what will stay the same Kids want to know: Where will I sleep? Will I still see my friends? What about school and activities? Provide specific answers as soon as you can. 6. Invite questions now and later Children process divorce over time. Say something like: “You might have more questions later. You can always ask me anything, even if you think it might make me sad.” 7. Whenever possible, tell them together If it’s safe, both parents should talk to the children at the same time with a unified message. This helps kids feel more secure and reduces the sense they must pick a side. --- Talking to Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 0–5) Young children don’t understand marriage and divorce as concepts. They mainly react to changes in routine and emotional tone. # What they need most - Predictable routines (sleep, meals, caregivers) - Short, simple explanations repeated often - Extra physical comfort (hugs, holding, rocking) - Calm, consistent caregivers # How to explain divorce to a toddler or preschooler Use very simple language, and repeat the same message: > "Mommy and Daddy are going to live in different houses. You will still see both of us. We both love you and will always take care of you." Avoid details about why the marriage is ending. They need to know what will happen and that they are safe. # Common reactions - Regression (toileting accidents, thumb sucking, clinginess) - Sleep changes or nightmares - Tantrums or separation anxiety Respond with patience, structure, and reassurance rather than punishment. You might say: > "Things are changing and that can feel scary. It’s okay to feel upset. I am here and will keep you safe." --- Talking to Early Elementary Children (Ages 6–8) At this age, kids understand that divorce means parents won’t live together. They may still think in black‑and‑white terms and often blame themselves. # What they need most - Clear, basic explanation of what divorce is - Strong reassurance it isn’t their fault - Simple description of the parenting schedule - Permission to love both parents # How to explain divorce to a 6‑ to 8‑year‑old Keep it concrete and brief: > "We’ve been having grown‑up problems for a long time, and we tried very hard to fix them. We’ve decided it’s best for us to live in two homes. You did not cause this. We both love you, and we will both keep taking care of you." Explain the schedule in simple terms: > "You will stay with Mom on school days and with Dad every other weekend. We’ll put a calendar in your room so you always know where you’ll be." # What to avoid - Detailed explanations about adult conflicts - Asking the child to choose where to live - Using them as a messenger between homes (for schedules, money, or complaints) # Supporting their feelings Kids might ask directly, “Did you stop loving each other?” or “Will you stop loving me?” Try something like: > "Our feelings as a couple have changed, but our love for you will never change. Parents can stop being married, but they can’t stop being your mom and dad." --- Talking to Tweens (Ages 9–12) Tweens have a more developed sense of fairness and may seek more detailed explanations. They may feel anger, embarrassment, or pressure to take sides. # What they need most - Honest but limited information (no adult oversharing) - Respect for their opinions, but not responsibility for decisions - Reassurance about school, friends, and activities in Illinois - Boundaries that protect them from adult conflict # How to explain divorce to a tween You can give a bit more context without assigning blame: > "We’ve had serious problems in our marriage for a long time. We tried counseling and other ways to fix things, but we couldn’t make it work. We decided that living in two homes will be healthier for everyone." If they press for details—“Did someone cheat?”—you can set limits: > "Some parts of our relationship are private between adults. What’s important for you to know is that you didn’t cause this and you’re not responsible for fixing it." # Common challenges - Loyalty conflicts (feeling they must defend one parent) - Acting out at school or withdrawal from friends - Trying to be the “fixer” or emotional caretaker for a parent Make it clear: > "It is not your job to take care of my feelings or the other parent’s feelings. It’s our job to take care of you." In Illinois, children’s preferences about living arrangements can be considered by the court, especially as they get older, but they do not have to choose. Avoid putting that weight on their shoulders. --- Talking to Teens (Ages 13–18) Teenagers understand divorce almost at an adult level but often feel the impact more intensely. They may question your choices, align with one parent, or try to distance themselves from both. # What they need most - Respectful, candid (but still bounded) communication - Involvement in practical planning that affects their lives - Space to feel and express anger, sadness, or relief - Protection from being turned into a “friend” or confidant about legal issues # How to explain divorce to a teen You can be more direct but still avoid oversharing: > "We’ve had serious problems for years, and despite counseling and many attempts to fix things, we couldn’t create a healthy marriage. Living apart is the best option. Our decision is final, but we know it affects you deeply, and we want to hear your thoughts and concerns." Teens may want more control over schedules, especially with Illinois school demands, jobs, and activities. You can involve them without making them the decision‑maker: > "The court expects us to have a parenting plan. We want to hear what matters most to you—school, work, sports—so we can build a schedule that works as well as possible. We’re still the ones responsible for final decisions." # Boundaries with teens Avoid: - Sharing legal strategies, financial disputes, or court updates in detail - Asking them to spy on the other parent - Venting about the other parent as if the teen were your peer or therapist Instead, you might say: > "I know you see things and form your own opinions. You have a right to your feelings. But I won’t say negative things about your other parent to you, and I don’t want you to feel stuck in the middle." If your teen is struggling with depression, skipping school, substance use, or talk of self‑harm, consider involving a therapist experienced with divorce in adolescence. --- How Illinois Law and Procedures Affect Your Conversations While your focus is on your children’s emotional well‑being, it’s helpful to know how Illinois law frames parenting during and after divorce. # Best interests of the child Illinois uses the “best interests of the child” standard when determining parental responsibilities and parenting time. Courts consider: - The child’s needs and adjustment to home, school, and community - The parents’ ability to cooperate - The child’s relationship with each parent - The child’s wishes, especially for older children Your day‑to‑day conversations and behavior can support this standard by showing that you are promoting a healthy relationship between your child and the other parent. # Parenting plans and talking to kids about schedules You will likely have a written parenting plan that sets out: - Where the child lives on school days, weekends, and holidays - Transportation and exchange arrangements - Decision‑making responsibilities (education, health care, activities) Once a draft parenting plan is in place, you can talk with your children more concretely: > "We’ve worked out a plan with the help of our lawyers and the court so that you have time with both of us. Here’s what a typical week will look like…" Avoid promising anything that isn’t confirmed—such as a particular schedule or outcome in court—because this can undermine your credibility if things change. # When safety is a concern If there is domestic violence, substance abuse, or serious mental health issues, conversations become more complex. You may need: - Safety plans and court protections - Carefully crafted explanations that don’t expose children to adult trauma - Guidance from a family law attorney and possibly a child therapist In these situations, saying less about the specific dangers and more about safety can help: > "The court and I have made some decisions to keep everyone safe and healthy. That’s why the parenting time looks different right now." --- What to Say—and What Not to Say # Helpful phrases to use at any age - "This is a grown‑up problem. You didn’t cause it." - "We both love you and will always be your parents." - "It’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even relieved." - "You can always ask questions now or later." - "You never have to choose between us." # Phrases to avoid - "Your mom/dad left us." - "If your dad/mom had just [done X], this wouldn’t be happening." - "You’re the man/woman of the house now." - "Don’t tell your mom/dad I said this." - Anything that makes your child feel like a messenger, spy, or judge. --- Signs Your Child May Need Extra Support Every child reacts differently, but watch for these red flags: - Persistent sleep problems or frequent nightmares - Ongoing school decline or behavior issues - Social withdrawal, loss of interest in activities - Frequent physical complaints (stomachaches, headaches) without a clear medical cause - Talk of self‑harm, hopelessness, or feeling like a burden If you see these signs, consider: - Talking with your pediatrician or school counselor - Seeking a child therapist who understands divorce and Illinois family dynamics - Working with your attorney to make sure your parenting plan supports your child’s needs (for example, minimizing transitions during exam periods or major activities) --- How an Illinois Family Law Attorney Can Help Protect Your Children Age‑appropriate conversations are only one piece of protecting your children in a divorce. The legal structure around your family—parenting time, decision‑making, child support, and conflict‑resolution provisions—directly affects how safe and secure your kids feel. An experienced Illinois family law attorney can help you: - Craft a parenting plan that supports your child’s developmental needs - Reduce opportunities for conflict that spill over onto the children - Understand how your communication and behavior may be viewed by the court - Coordinate with therapists, guardians ad litem, or other professionals when needed Handled thoughtfully, divorce does not have to permanently damage your children. Many children grow into resilient adults when their parents manage conflict respectfully, communicate clearly, and keep the children’s needs front and center. --- FAQs About Age‑Appropriate Divorce Conversations in Illinois 1. When is the best time to tell children about the divorce? Tell them once the decision is final and you have at least a basic plan for what will happen next (living arrangements, school, and immediate schedule). Avoid telling them so early that you are still uncertain yourself, and avoid last‑minute surprises—children need time to adjust. 2. Should parents in Illinois always tell the children together? If it’s safe and there is no history of domestic violence or intimidation, a joint conversation is usually best. Presenting a united, calm message helps children feel more secure and reduces pressure to choose sides. In high‑conflict or unsafe situations, separate conversations may be safer and more appropriate. 3. How much detail about the reasons for divorce should we share? Less is usually more. Children need to know that the adults couldn’t solve their problems, that it’s not the child’s fault, and what will happen next. Specific details about affairs, financial disputes, or court strategy can burden them and may harm their relationship with the other parent. 4. Can my child choose which parent to live with in Illinois? Illinois courts do consider a child’s wishes—especially as they get older—but the judge ultimately decides based on the child’s best interests. Involving children in some practical planning is often helpful, but asking them to choose a parent can be emotionally damaging. 5. What if my co‑parent is bad‑mouthing me to the children? Avoid responding by attacking back. Document specific examples, support your child emotionally ("I’m sorry you heard that; you never have to take sides"), and talk with your Illinois family law attorney about legal and practical options to address harmful behavior. 6. How can I keep conversations age‑appropriate when I have kids of different ages? Start with a joint family conversation using the simplest, most neutral language. Then follow up separately with each child or age group to give information and support tailored to their developmental level. Reassure all of them that they can come to you with questions whenever they are ready. --- If you’re facing a divorce in Illinois and want to protect your children—both emotionally and legally—the right guidance makes a difference. For help crafting child‑focused parenting plans and navigating difficult conversations, schedule a consultation today. Call (847) 260-7330 or email jonathan@steelefamlaw.com to discuss your situation and your children’s needs.

Written by Jonathan D. Steele

Chicago divorce attorney with cybersecurity certifications (Security+, CEH, ISC2). Illinois Super Lawyers Rising Star 2016-2025.

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